Dealing with Problem Behaviours

Last week Mr. Boo had a rough transition while getting ready to go out with his behavioural interventionist. I’ve gotten pretty good at dealing with these situations, but I still get caught off-guard sometimes. This time it resulted it me getting punched in the jaw. It has been a long time since Mr. Boo hurt me, partly because it happens less frequently than when he was younger, and partly because I’ve gotten pretty good at staying just out of range when I see that he might lash out. I was very upset by what happened. Not only did it hurt, but I worry about his future. It’s one thing to be a little kid who hits when he’s angry or frustrated, but the picture is going to look a whole lot different when he’s a teenager or an adult. While I know he’s improved immensely over the years, the potential is still there and it worries me.

I wondered if maybe I should be doing something…something more, or something different. I began to mull it over in my head and over the course of the next few days I noted two other behaviours that, while not as bad as hitting, are still things I’d like to address with a more concrete plan than just reminding him such behaviours are unacceptable. First, when he’s angry or frustrated he sometimes throws things. He’ll basically grab the nearest thing and hurl it in no particular direction. Countless things have been broken, but of course there is also the potential for damage to other people who happen to be in the line of fire. Again, this is an issue that has improved over the years, but still presents itself on occasion.

Second, there is the swearing. This started in earnest about a year ago and, while we all drop the occasional f-bomb in our family, there are times when he really crosses the line.

I began to think that perhaps I was going to have to introduce some form of punishment in an attempt to influence his behaviour. When he is raging, in the heat of the moment, all he can think about is himself. While later he will feel remorse for what he has done, it isn’t powerful enough in the moment to stop him. I began to wonder if maybe a specific punishment would serve as a stronger motivator. I’ve always believed that punishment is ineffective at best, and counterproductive and damaging at worst. But maybe, I thought, I needed to reconsider. Autism has caused me to rethink other aspects of my parenting, so why not this one?

In this case, the punishment that would have the most impact would be one that affects what he loves most: his laptop. But if I was going to implement a punishment system then I would have to be very clear to state the rules up front. Autistic kids respond well to rules that are clearly laid out ahead of time, but they also have a keen sense of fairness: you can’t just make sh*t up on the fly.

Well, I soon ran into some problems. How long would he be removed from his laptop? What if he picked up an iPad instead, or went on the PlayStation? Would watching YouTube count? Would I have to remove access to all screens? Would the extent and duration of the punishment be adjusted to “fit the crime”? And how would I go about doing that when there are no set screen times in our family?

It got worse as I considered more scenarios. What if, as in last week, he hit me as he was heading out for the afternoon? Is he going to spend 3 hours with his interventionist and then come home and not be allowed on his laptop? That is way too much time between the crime and the punishment to be in any way fair or to have any meaning for him. He may have had an excellent session, and he’s going to come home to being punished?

And what if he needed a sensory break? Immersing himself in the digital world is his go-to solution when his sensory inputs get overwhelmed. We’ve always encouraged this form of self-regulation. Using it as a punishment sends the wrong message.

Frankly, the whole thing was bothering me. I just couldn’t come up with a set of punishments that made sense, were fair, and were easy to implement. I couldn’t even figure out what it would look like for myself, let alone explain it to him. But if not that, what could I do to curb these problem behaviours?

Well, I’m happy to say that the solution presented itself today. Mr Boo had a mini-meltdown when, after finishing his homeschool work, he learned that his sister was using the big screen and he could not play on the PlayStation. By his logic, since he had interrupted his game to do homeschool work, he expected to go back on when he was done. But his sister was now using it. When I said he’d have to wait, he lost it. He went into the bedroom and, before I could go in there to help him calm down, he picked up a timer and threw it across the room, breaking it. I was angry and immediately announced that he was no longer going to get his turn on the PlayStation when his sister was done (and still, in my head, I’m thinking “is this for all day? if not then for how long? what would be a fair delay given that he is going out this afternoon?”). Well this only served to make him more angry and he tried to throw a lamp, but by then I was close enough to block him.

He calmed down fairly quickly after that (we’ve got a system that works well for us now), and began to tell me that this punishment thing was not a good idea. Inspired by the program director at the wonderful Centre he attends each week, I decided to listen to what he had to say and involve him in the discussion (she once spent a good hour doing just that with him, and managed to work a minor miracle – more in a later post perhaps). He told me that my job was to help him calm down (its a set of skills we work on together), and by telling him his punishment I was actually making it worse for him. I understood: he has told me he doesn’t like raging, that it is scary for him, and he is very grateful that I am there to help him find his way down to calmness. So if he sees me as the person – the rock – to which he can cling when raging, then how must it feel to have me making it worse by giving him even more to be angry and anxious about?

My first thought upon recognizing this was that maybe I should wait until after he calms down to tell him of his punishment , but right away that didn’t make sense either. Reward him for doing good emotional work by telling him of his fate? Naw. So instead I asked him what HE thought we should do about these behaviours. He wasn’t sure at first, but then I remembered something I read on the Aha Parenting website. Dr. Markham has written some excellent articles explaining why punishment doesn’t work, and I love the alternatives she suggests. In this article she describes empowering your kids to repair the damage they have done. Whether this is the hurt feelings of a playmate, the broken window of a neighbour, or admitting to stealing a toy, what kids really need to learn is how to make up for their mistakes, to really experience the impact of their actions, and to take ownership and responsibility for their actions. Importantly, they need to see you as someone who can help them do the right thing when they screw up, not the person who just makes them feel worse. So I decided to try her approach with Mr. Boo.

The issue was that he threw my timer (which he apologized for) and may have broken it. Together we came up with two solutions: if the timer was not broken he could make it up to me by helping with some household chore I needed to do. If it was broken, he offered to use his allowance to buy me a new one. What I loved about the process of discussing this with him was how strong our connection was during this time. I had helped him calm down and, as we usually do, I was holding him in my lap and rocking him forward and back (the rocking motion really soothes him). He was hugging and kissing me, his way of letting me know he felt bad for how he had acted. And all the while we talked about how to make up for his actions. He was not happy about having to do a chore or spend his allowance money, but he was a willing participant in this being a solution and the entire atmosphere around the discussion was one of working together and maintaining the integrity of our relationship. There was no argument about whether he should do anything to make up for it: he clearly wanted to. This is so different from the attitude of being punished, where all the focus is on being a victim, with little room for remorse.

For my kids, perhaps more than neurotypical kids, I am their rock. The world can be a scary, intimidating, and frightening place for them and they count on me to protect them, guide them, and help them deal with overwhelming emotions. Punishment changes my role entirely to one of combatant, a player on the other team, which erodes their trust in me. It also puts them on the defensive, sends their anxiety through the roof (with autistic kids, its all about reducing anxiety), and puts them in a worse place rather than a better one.

While part of me can’t believe I even considered using punishment, I’m glad I went through this thought experiment. It has reinforced to me, more than ever, that my instincts were right and that such an approach would do far more damage to my kids than it would help. I’m happy that together Mr Boo and I came up with a solution, that he was involved in the discussion, that it was done in a loving and warm atmosphere of connection, and that he took ownership of his actions and admitted that he was wrong. From now on, when he swears at us, throws something, or hurts somebody we will decide together what he can do to make up for it. It won’t always be fun for him, but we’ll still be on the same team.

New House: Take 2

Our mobile home is 26 years old and has recently begun to really show its age. It has gone from the home of an older, single lady (the former owner) to housing 2 adults, 2 children, 2 cats, and a dog (not to mention a few mice and possibly a rat). The added wear and tear is becoming increasingly obvious.

We knew when we bought this property that the mobile home would serve as temporary housing. However, as I wrote in a recent post, our dream of building a new house changed when we learned that our next-door neighbour might be willing to sell to us this year. If she goes ahead with her plans we will buy her property, move in to her house, and rent out our current house with about an acre or so around it. But the reality is, our current home is in poor condition and not suitable for a rental.

There is no value to be gained by renovating the current home. And given its age and condition, we’d still likely have to make regular repairs on the place. Even with a reno we could not command much rent for this place given it’s age and the fact that it is a 2-bedroom home. So I decided to check out what it would cost to replace this mobile with a new one, and how the financing works for such purchases. I headed to our local manufactured/modular home dealership which has been in business here for over 45 years, got some numbers and a handful of brochures, and sat down with a cup of tea to figure out our options.

It turns out that you can roll a new mobile home purchase into a mortgage the same way you would a conventional new-build home. And since mobile homes are very inexpensive, it doesn’t add hugely to the monthly mortgage payment. As an added bonus, the rapid turnaround from delivery to occupancy means a very short bridge financing period. For those who may not be familiar with the new home process, that is the time between when you have to actually pay for your house and the time when the mortgage company allows you to roll it into your mortgage and effectively pays you back. When you are building a home conventionally that period could be up to a year or more. In the case of a manufactured/mobile home, it’s about 2 weeks. This allows one to consider even high-interest sources of credit for bridge financing.

 

I also took a look at what rents are going for in our area, confirmed them with an experienced landlord source, and then compared these to the cost of various mobile homes. I discovered that we would be better off replacing our single-wide 2 bedroom home with a double-wide 3 bedroom home. The added cost to the mortgage is less than the increase in rent we could charge for the bigger home.

This solved a second issue as well: what if our neighbour doesn’t sell this year? The thought of spending another winter in our current home was dreadful to me. If we bought a bigger home, we could live in it ourselves until such time as we might buy and move next door.

And here’s where it gets even easier to decide: the difference in price between a smaller 3 bedroom home without fancy upgrades versus a larger 3 bedroom home that would suit our family for years to come if need be, is truly negligible when one considers that cost amortized over the life of our mortgage. So from a host of possibilities, none of which could be counted on (will she sell? will she sell this year? if not, how many years will we have to wait?) I have narrowed it all down to one smart decision: replace our current mobile home with a larger home that would suit our family. We can stay here for years if need be, or if we move next door we can rent it out for a good price. Either way, I will be getting a brand new home before this year is over.

This is where I pause in my story to do a little happy dance around the room…

…okay, I’m back.

Now, it’s true that these factory-built, assembled-on-site homes are not really comparable to a custom-built home IF you are picky about what sort of materials go into your home. And I would certainly consider myself to be picky about those things. When we were planning a custom built home I wanted all natural materials, breathable natural wall systems, low VOC paints, etc. I can’t say I’m thrilled about the idea of living in a brand new home made of plasticky stuff and other potential nasties.

But the bottom line is simple: we need a new house. We cannot go on living in this mould-ridden, rodent-infested home much longer before it will start to impact our health anyway. It’s already impacting my sanity and my social life (I don’t invite people over unless I know them really well). If we want to be able to buy the place next door if and when it comes up (which we do), and given our current financial situation, we simply cannot afford to build the way I’d like to. Given the choice of remaining in this dump for who-knows-how-long or going with a brand-new almost-custom home that we can readily afford no matter what happens in the future, it’s not a difficult decision to make.

Today I dragged my better half to the dealership and we looked at some of their show homes. I was very impressed by the PVC kitchen cabinets. I expected something that looked cheap and plasticky. Instead they were sturdy, attractive, durable, and I could tell they would be very easy to clean. In fact the homes were all so much nicer (and bigger!) than what we are currently in that I couldn’t help but get all giddy at the prospect. I’ve already picked out my floor plan: a 1600 sq ft 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home with a family room and a small den for my sewing/crafting stuff. Tomorrow the agent is coming by to check out our property and offer further suggestions and options based on what he finds. At that time we’ll also go over the option of getting a modular home instead of a mobile (the former is the same plan built on a standard foundation; the latter is the typical “trailer” home on raised blocks). I will then have a few weeks to choose all my finishing options while Husband deals with some critical work and related stuff. By this autumn we will be in a new home, whether here or next door. I’m so excited!

 

Grain-Free, Gluten-Free, Basic Muffin Recipe

Husband and I are on a low-carb diet, so we don’t eat grains at home. Son is on a gluten-free diet as it helps with his autism. Making gluten-free muffins that taste great is easy, but I wanted to partake in some muffin goodness myself. Plus a GF diet tends to be very carb-heavy when your kid will only eat sandwiches and other things that come on bread products. Making carb-laden muffins wasn’t my idea of adding good things to his diet, so I rarely made them (Daughter won’t eat any kind of muffin that doesn’t border on being a cupcake).

So, in search of a decent grain-free muffin I have perused the web and tried many different recipes. Most use either almond flour or coconut flour or some combination of both. Honestly, none of them have impressed me very much and the likeness to a real muffin was remote enough that it really wasn’t worth the effort.

I recently stumbled upon a wonderful muffin recipe that uses coconut flour, not almond flour. It was by far the best recipe I’ve tried and, frankly, is just about as good as any flour-laden muffin ever was. It has that moist, spongy texture that a muffin should have. As if that weren’t good enough, coconut flour is less expensive than almond flour and you use less of it because it absorbs a lot of liquid (1/2 cup will make about 12 – 15 muffins). Almond flour is also higher in calories than coconut flour (160 vs 120 per 1/4 cup) so less chance of overeating with these babies.

What’s even more wonderful is that I – having no talent for divining recipes from taste, or experimenting by “throwing a few ingredients together” – found a second recipe that was basically a slight variation on the first. From these I was able to determine the basic ingredients, and now I can make pretty much any kind of muffin I want: carrot, zucchini, banana, lemon poppyseed, blueberry…you name it.

I’m so excited about this recipe, and so thrilled that I can finally treat myself to muffins without having to feel guilty, AND so happy that my son loves them…well, I just had to share. Okay, so I shouldn’t be eating these every day. But with the low amount of sugar (in the form of honey or maple syrup) they are a guilt-free indulgence once in a while. And a great way to introduce new flavours and foods into Son’s diet!

 

Basic Recipe:

The Dry Stuff

1/2 cup coconut flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

spices (e.g. for pumpkin I use 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 teaspoon allspice or cloves; I use the cinnamon for carrot muffins and nutmeg for banana)

 

The Wet Stuff

6 eggs (no, that is not a typo)

1/2 cup melted coconut oil (see notes below)

1/3 cup maple syrup or honey

1 tsp vanilla extract

Optional:

1-2 tbs zest (lemon, orange)

1/2 cup of purees or shredded stuff (e.g. pureed pumpkin, mashed bananas, shredded zucchini, shredded carrot)

* if  you are using any purees or shredded stuff then decrease coconut oil to 1/4 cup

 

The Extras

1/4 cup chopped nuts or dried fruit (e.g. walnuts, pecans, raisins, apricots, cranberries)

1/2 cup blueberries (note: I haven’t tried this myself so use your judgement for the amount)

1/2 cup gluten-free chocolate chips

2 tbs poppy seeds

 

Mix the wet stuff, add the dry stuff, mix with a whisk until there are no lumps. Fold in any Extras you are using. The batter will be a bit thick, but shouldn’t be too thick or the muffins will be dry. Since I cannot convey texture well in words, you’ll just have to experiment for yourself. If they are too dry then next time use more coconut oil.

Bake for about 15 – 20 minutes at 375 F.

Oh, and they stick a bit to muffin liners. But since I’m too lazy to really clean my muffin pans, let alone grease them, and I refuse to use that spray stuff (God knows what’s in it) I use liners anyway.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

Building Community for my Boy

This past week I finally got around to checking out a local centre that provides programs and support for people with disabilities, including kids with autism. Through our government funding I would receive notices that they were holding day camps over spring break, and after-school programs starting each fall. I wasn’t sure that my little guy was ready for such things. I had assumptions about what these programs would look like which, in hindsight, were rather silly but understandable.

See, over the years I had gotten used to the fact that my son’s issues were beyond what your average gym coach, art teacher, or camp counsellor could manage. Enrolling him in such programs was out of the question once he got to an age where parents no longer participated in the class. The few times I tried were stressful for both him and myself. In the homeschooling community things were better because there were lots of adults around to supervise whenever we got together for classes, field trips, etc. However, as the kids got older and the other children required less parental supervision I found myself the lone parent following her child around while the others gathered together for social time. It sucked for me, and I don’t think he appreciated me hovering over him either. He was not being allowed the chance to experience life without his mother hanging around. And while I think that kids today spend far too much time away from parents, I do think its important that they have some opportunities to do things without siblings or parents around to gain confidence and a feeling of having something that is their own.

This past year and a half we have built a great community of individuals on whom my son can depend. He works with these people one-on-one and they have given him the incredible gift of understanding and acceptance. It is wonderful for him to have people in his life who “get” him, who understand the issues he faces and who do not judge him or treat him like there is something wrong with him. This was a critical first step in his “Intervention Plan”. But I also wanted for him to be able to participate in group activities, to get out in the community and spend time with other children without me hanging around.

When the flyer for Spring Break camp arrived in the mail last week I felt like we might be ready to tackle this. My daughter, having gotten her diagnosis this past fall, was now eligible to participate and I thought with her there it would be less scary for my son. But I still worried about him. The days would be long, five in a row, and I worried that he’d get overstimulated. Would he be able to take the breaks he needed? What would happen if he started freaking out on the field trip bus? What if he hit someone? Would he come home a ball of stress?

So I called the centre to ask about the program and got introduced to an angel of a woman who runs the autism programs. Within a few minutes of speaking with her I knew that she “got” me, my life, my son. I was so excited that I ended up going down there to speak more with her in person. She showed me around the centre where the after-school programs are held (most days; they also often go out on field trips) and I was amazed. They had a “sensory room” where kids could unwind. The room seemed like it was designed for him. Mats for rolling around on the floor while movies were projected onto the walls, a big comfy sofa with pillows and weighted blankets, a “bouncy chair” built for big kids, a giant lava lamp, and dimmer switches on the lights.

Example of a sensory room. Soft lighting, lots of soft textures, and other equipment for sensory therapy.

And this is where my not-so-surprising surprise comes in. My first thought when I walked into that room was that it was tailor-made for my son, and how did they know this was what he would need? Well of course they would, it’s a program for autistic kids! As we finished the tour I knew that this was a place where my son could finally feel like a “normal” kid – able to go hang out with a bunch of other kids, go on field trips, bake cookies in their large kitchen, build Lego, make forts, etc…but where everybody understood him, his needs, and treated it all like it was normal and acceptable to be who he was. And without his mother following him around, or being in the shadow of his big sister. I was thrilled when she told me there was still room in the after-school program and invited him to participate in that week’s outing to a local school gymnasium.

He couldn’t wait to go, and when I came to pick him up he didn’t want to go home. I was reminded of how he much loved preschool (it was a nightmare for the rest of us). I was thrilled for him. On the way home I asked him what we should call the program (saying “it’s time to go to after-school care” doesn’t sound right, especially since he doesn’t go to school) and he said “It’s like school, but without all the bullshit”. I had to laugh. I suppose in a way this is like school in that there is a group of kids and planned activities and adults who are there to help out. But nobody was pushing academics on him or forcing him to do things he couldn’t handle. So we decided to call it “Fun School”.

He’ll be going every Wednesday and then during Spring Break he will go for the whole week. By then he will be completely comfortable with the staff and the other kids, they will know him, and I feel great about all of it. They also run summer programs. I see this place as a whole new community having opened up for my boy and I am so happy for him. My goal for him was always to expand his world and this week we took a huge step in that direction.

Quilting Project: “South Pacific”

I call this quilt “South Pacific”. I made it for my mother as a Christmas present. She was away for two months over the holidays (in the South Pacific, coincidentally) so I haven’t had a chance to give it to her yet.

This is the second bed-sized quilt I’ve made since I learned to quilt. My first quilt was made from a simple block pattern I got online, with the squares arranged neatly in rows. This second quilt was based on a pattern too, but involved more modifications and creative input.

I started with a jelly roll of batik fabrics. My mother spent much of her life in the South Pacific (New Zealand) and Southeast Asia (Hong Kong and Singapore) so I knew when I bought them that my project would go to her. I stated with a Stacked Coin quilt design and modified it by using both horizontal and vertical sashing. I spent quite some time putting together blocks of four or five strips, testing out various colour combinations, and working on the finished dimensions. Then when the blocks were made I spent a lot of time moving them around on a white sheet until I was happy with the layout and colour placement. Finally, I had to audition the quilting designs.

The quilting for the blocks was easy. I chose a pattern of free flowing, roughly parallel lines to create the idea of ocean waves. But I got stuck on the sashing. I auditioned many different designs by making test “quilt sandwiches” using scraps leftover from piecing the top. Finally one day I was hit with inspiration. Leah Day, whose Free Motion Quilting Project blog was what got me into quilting in the first place, posted a new design she called Spiral Ornaments. I thought it looked perfect for sashing, then was hit with the idea to use seashells instead of spirals. I tested it out and loved it.

 

 

I chose a wine-coloured batik for the quilt trim, which went well with the fabrics (Note: the sashing and border is a pale sea green colour but it doesn’t show up well in these photos). I also chose a lovely batik fabric for the backing. It was quite expensive but by the time I realized that I had chosen it and had it cut. It did teach me a lesson about quilting though – budget is an important consideration! Making a quilt with scraps sounds very frugal, but a bed-size quilt can use up a lot of fabric for the backing. I’ve become much more careful with fabric purchases now.

 

Finally, when the quilt was done, I played around with making labels. For the title I used free motion quilting to “write” the words in fabric. Inspired by other labels I’ve seen, I also sewed an element from the quilt design onto the label (a seashell). When writing my name and the date I found it hard to stay even and within the margins so instead I used my machine, which has an alphabet stitch.

There were definitely mistakes made in this quilt, but they are likely only going to be noticed by me. I’m really proud of this quilt. It’s far from perfect, but it was made with lots of love and creativity, and I can’t wait to give it to my mum.

What I learned from FlyLady

This is only the third post in my FlyLady series, but it will probably be my last. I feel I have hit an equilibrium with my housework and have maintained it long enough to say “I’m done”. At least for now.

I should start by saying that I consider my FlyLady program to have been a success. The morning routine I developed is still practised virtually every day and the result is that for months now I’ve enjoyed having clean bathrooms without having to spend hours scrubbing and getting soaking wet. I no longer worry when guests or babysitters come over that they will have to use the bathroom and I’ll die of shame. I no longer spend half the day cleaning said bathrooms when I know someone is coming to visit. Thanks to FlyLady’s “Swish and Swipe” system, I spend a couple minutes each morning wiping down surfaces and that’s pretty much it. I’ve also adapted this to the shower – I keep an extra towel in there and after I’m done I use the towel to wipe down the shower stall and fixtures. It takes a couple extra minutes but it’s so worth it as cleaning the shower was my second least favourite job, after cleaning the toilets.

Thanks to my morning routine I also enjoy walking into a neat and tidy master bedroom throughout the day. And I’m on top of my laundry since I get a load going pretty much every day, too. No more running out of clean sheets, towels, or underwear. I’ve learned that wearing “lace up shoes” helps me get through the day comfortably, and with a bounce in my step.And

Finally, most of the time I wake up to a clean kitchen and I’m willing to go to more effort than I used to to make that happen.

These are the things I have changed and I’ve stuck with. But what I haven’t done has also taught me something about priorities and choices. For example, I don’t do Zone Cleaning or Daily Missions. I’ve discovered that a tidy house is what really matters to me; deep cleaning? not so much. Oh sure, I’d love it if there weren’t so many dust bunnies floating around on the floor, or if the surfaces were always dust-free. But the truth is I only have so much time in my life right now and I’ve come to a place of peace with how much of that I spend cleaning. One day when my kids are grown and out of the house I’ll have more time to do deep cleaning. But as the saying goes, when I’m lying on my deathbed I am quite sure I’ll be grateful for all the time I’ve spent with my kids and doing hobbies I love like riding or quilting, and will not feel grateful for having exchanged that for a shining home. When I walk around my house these days I get pleasure from tidiness and neatness. Clean surfaces, things in their place (and the clean bathrooms mentioned above!), these give me a sense of peace. If I don’t feel the need to take that further than I don’t see any reason to do so.

I no longer visit the FlyLady website, nor receive her emails. I would recommend this program to anybody looking to get a grip on their time management and wanting to find a better balance between housework and other stuff. But I think it’s also important to know how far you need to go, and not feel like a failure if you don’t do the whole program. I definitely feel I got a lot out of doing this, and may even revisit it again when we move to a new home. Perhaps when I’m in a nicer home I will feel motivated to “kick it up a notch”. At least I’ll know exactly where to go to accomplish that.

One door closes….

Last summer things were going so well with my husband’s business that we decided it was time to build our new house. We bought this land, with its tiny mobile home, with just such a plan in mind – it was only a question of when. I was thrilled when “when” turned into “now”.

So we hired a designer to come up with a plan, we interviewed builders, and in between all that I spent hours and hours researching building materials, floor plans, room dimensions, traffic patterns in our home, and went through reams of paper drawing and refining plans for my dream home. It was how I spent my “down time” and I got a great deal of joy and satisfaction out of the process.

But I knew all along that it was not yet a given. Life has a way of throwing things at you when you least expect it. Doors open, and you have to decide whether to go through them knowing you will close others if you do. Through all my pondering and talking and researching I constantly reminded myself that this might not happen, that it was definitely not a done deal. Certain things still had to happen, and while it seemed certain they would, you never count your chickens before they hatch. Nevertheless, the dream and the planning had become so much a part of my inner life (it is what I usually thought about when I lay in bed falling asleep) that I knew it might be difficult to let go if the need arose.

You can probably tell where I’m going with this by now…

For the last several weeks my husband’s business (of which he is one of four partners) has been beset with one issue after another. We still thought we would be able to pull off the build, we would just have to get more creative with the financing. Today we met with our financial advisor and he soon disavailed us of those notions. Turns out it will be more difficult than we thought. And based on what he told us, it really doesn’t make sense for us to do this just now.

The “problem” turns out to be one of those doors that open when you aren’t expecting it. And it turns out to be the good news to our good news/bad news scenario. Shortly after we moved here our single-mum neighbour (the only neighbour whose property adjoins ours) mentioned that when her teenaged daughter graduated she would sell her property and downsize. We let her know that we would be interested in buying the property from her when the time comes. We always assumed that we would buy the place as an investment property, rent out the cute little house and surrounding chicken coop and small barn to some crunchy, farm-oriented, local-food growing family, and use the rest of that land for ourselves. We would be effectively doubling our acreage with no change in our mortgage payments.

Since the daughter is due to graduate this year, and since buying an investment property is a different financial kettle of fish than buying a residential property, our meeting today included a discussion of how best to go about making that happen. Turns out that by far the best scenario for us would be to rent out OUR current house and move into the one next door. When we compared option 1 (build a house on this site, buy next door as an investment and rent it out), with option 2 (buy next door, move in, and rent out current house) it was a no-brainer. I don’t want to publish details about our personal financial situation; suffice it to say that it would be irresponsible and foolhardy for us to go with option 1 when we added up all the potential benefits of option 2. As much as I didn’t want to let go of my custom dream home, even I could see that there was no decision to be made. Option 2 won by a landslide.

I’m now having to process the fact that we won’t be building a custom home any time soon. I can’t say that I’m shocked, because I knew all along this could happen. I suppose it’s like losing something that you kinda thought you were going to lose anyway. There is still a grieving process, but it isn’t accompanied by shock and disbelief. Writing this post is a big part of it for me, as I’m very much a verbal processor.

And of course, I’m trying to keep this in perspective. This is as “first world problem” as it gets and I don’t want to overemphasize its relative importance in my life. Every day when I walk my dog through the forest next door, smell the fresh moist air, and hear the birds and ravens calling I feel like I already have everything I need. Life is Good. And it’s good Right Now. I don’t forget that, and I don’t want to come across as feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I’m just one of those people who need a Plan; I’m always looking forward to the next step. But I’m also quite flexible, and easily able to embrace change. I just need time for the new idea to sink it, and then I’m off and running.

That means transferring dreams of floor plans and building materials to new dreams about what living on the other property will look like. There are outbuildings to paint (a small barn, a chicken coop) and new gardens to be planted. Renovations to the house will cost considerably less than building a new one. And then there are the opportunities that open up now that we aren’t committing to an expensive build. In the last year we’ve gone from one horse-crazy homemaker (that would be me) to a family where everybody is taking riding lessons and we knew that eventually horses would be in our future. Shelving our plans to build a house opens up the possibility of getting horses sooner than originally planned. If there is anything that can get me over the idea of a custom home, it’s the idea of having horses.

So that’s Life. You think you know where you are headed next, and then an opportunity falls in your lap and changes everything. Even the “bad” stuff that’s been happening at my husband’s business has resulted in some exciting opportunities opening up for him. It’s really true what they say about one door closing and another one opening. I think that’s actually what makes life interesting. So here’s to the future. Whatever may happen, I’ve already got all the things that are really important. The rest is just icing on the cake.